Articles
BREAKING THE SAME OLD, SAME OLD PATTERN
by Dr. Jeannie Campanelli
I don’t want to be lonely no more.
I don’t want to have to pay for this.
I don’t want another lover at my door.
Just another heartache for my list.
How many of you relate to the words of Rob Thomas’ hit single? You want to share your life with someone; really love someone. And yet, over and over again, you find yourself in relationships that are NOT working for you. In your search for Mr. or Ms. Right, how many of you have found the consequences of your choice have been painful and, sometimes, even traumatic? Divorce, financial loss, a decrease in your confidence and self-trust along with emotional scars can all result from choices that were made in good faith.
There are those of you who find that too often you meet a person who is too busy so you don’t feel as important as that person’s work or even golf game. Some of you may have a pattern of being with people who are manipulative, passive aggressive or financially unstable. Or you may unknowingly invite into your life someone emotionally abusive and unstable or with an addiction that is draining and depletes your spirit.
The key to moving out of this pattern or comfort zone (even though it feels uncomfortable, it’s familiar) is awareness. Identify your pattern by closely examining all of your relationships, particularly to those you invite in as a potential partner. Take the time to journal. What are their characteristics? How do these characteristics reflect who you are in relationship to yourself? Or how do they reflect a belief that you hold about yourself at a core level? An abusive person may be an indicator of how you abuse yourself with self-criticism and self-doubt. Underlying this may be a belief that you aren’t good enough or not worthy of the best that life has to offer.
Our outer world reflects our inner world. Your relationships are a clue to what you are thinking and feeling on the inside. For instance, if you believe that you are unworthy, you vibrate at that frequency and attract others into your life whom also vibrate at that frequency, regardless of how confident they appear to be. They may behave differently than you and, yet, the core belief from which they operate is the same.
There are important action steps along with increasing your consciousness so you can make different choices. Firstly, own, embrace and forgive what you see inside of yourself. This is vital.
Next, start to envision what you do want to attract into your life and feel deep inside what that would be like for you. Practise coming from a place of love rather than fear. Instead of feeling constricted, your heart will be open and expansive while you are envisioning what you want. You will then create a reality field that will allow positive results. Once you shift at a core level, the flow of people who come into your life will shift as well.
Add in action steps that are grounded in reality. Patrick Carnes in “The Betrayal Bond” has many powerful activities. Make a list of your ‘must-haves’ in your relationships, particularly with your partner. Coming from a place of worthiness, be clear about what you want and commit to following through on this without settling for less. What are the boundaries that you will set for yourself in terms of your behaviour? Be specific and concrete. Examples might be: I will not try to change or rescue someone; I will not try to talk myself into someone; if my body is telling me that I am unsafe with this person, I will leave. List your relationship goals, which may look like taking 100% responsibility for yourself and not making yourself wrong.
Most importantly, what will you do to take care of yourself? Make a list of what you plan to do to address your needs separate from looking to someone else to fulfill you. Think of the metaphor that you are the cake and a relationship is the icing. Audition those who you put into your life from the perspective of what they will add to it.
Shifting out of old comfort zones around how you relate is possible. You can use your past experiences to move forward and create healthy, whole relationship with others because you’ve created that quality of relationship with YOU. Worthy, important, much-appreciated and valued…YOU. And that foundational relationship with yourself will be reflected in all aspects of your life – in your home, at work, with your friends and in your larger community. Enjoy that cake (namely you)…and the special icing that’s on top of it (namely your relationship)!
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Copyright Jeannie Campanelli. Used with permission.
Dr. Jeannie Campanelli, Ed.D., CPCC is a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach. She has a doctorate in Applied Psychology from the University of Toronto with a focus on human development and change. A significant focus in her partnering with clients is relationships, particularly relationship with self. She is currently authoring a book on inner power and self-confidence. Visit her websites:www.innerconfidencecoaching.com
www.coachingcircles.ca
www.menfullyrelating.com