Hi everyone! Welcome to new readers and long-time readers of this newsletter - and all those in between! Thank you for joining me once again. Before you begin reading what is here for you this month, take a moment to gently close your eyes. Reflect back to a time when you behaved defensively, for example when you argued with someone else’s perspective about your actions. While reading the following, connect what you are reading to this situation with an open heart and mind. What is here for you? Imagine what might have been different if you had applied your new awareness to the situation that came to your mind! When Defensiveness Shows Up In November, 2007 (innerconfidencecoaching.com) I wrote about defensiveness and have found that, more than any other article that I’ve written, people commented on this one. I believe it’s because all of us know what it feels like to want to defend ourselves. Even if we're not actively defensive, the urge to defend our feelings, thoughts, and/or actions is part and parcel of being human. And often, this defensiveness creates even more disconnection and conflict than what we truly want. There are many explanations why feeling defensive is so natural, particularly when we believe we are being blamed, being made ‘wrong’, or being unfairly judged. This is true, even when we’re essentially the one who is self-judging, a habit of the mind that can be old and familiar. The belief system around 'getting it right' or 'being good' is built into our conditioning - not just through our parents but through our culture as a whole. Most of us have a deep yearning to be loved and fully accepted for who we are. We want to avoid feeling rejected, abandoned, or shamed because these are painful feelings. There’s a human tendency to prefer feeling in control rather than vulnerable. And, for all of us, it can be challenging to reframe criticism as simply feedback that we are free to do something about - or not. The drama triangle of persecutor, rescuer, and victim is a common dynamic. The victim feels hurt and seeks revenge, and so becomes the persecutor. The persecutor feels guilty, and therefore becomes the rescuer. The rescuer feels the hopelessness and frustration of trying hard to ‘fix’ the problem and moves into the victim role. We move from role to role, unconsciously, habitually, frustratingly and, throughout it all, we give away our personal power. So simply notice - what are your favorite points of view that ignite you to become defensive or, at the very least, want to become defensive? How do you participate in your own version of the drama triangle? What has you possibly shift from feeling like a victim to being a persecutor? In other words, do people react defensively when you give them feedback? If defensiveness is hurting your relationships - with your mate, friends, family members, boss, or colleagues at work - and you want interactions to be different, it is helpful to know your emotional triggers. This is an important step to setting these emotionally-charged points of view free. And with this freedom, there will be a new ease and flow as you move through any relationship challenges in your life. The following are more ways that may support you in responding in a relaxed and clear way rather than a defensive one:
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