The Downward Spiral of Control

All of us know what it's like to want and even expect to get something from someone else, especially in our intimate relationships. It may be more attention, love, appreciation, acceptance, understanding - the list goes on.

In some way, we want that other person to give us what we didn't get when we were kids. We're looking at someone else to fill the gap. And at a deep level, we just want to be unconditionally loved and accepted.

This pattern of wanting and/or expecting to get from someone else leads to control and manipulation - and messy relationships. In trying to get something from someone else or just expecting that they owe us this, we give our power away. We feel angry and frustrated. We get disappointed. We can get demanding and volatile.  And the controlling behaviours that coincide with our wants and expectations show up in as many ways as there are relationships between people.

The reality is that when the personality interacts with another, we can face a different set of values. All personalities have a different style of connecting or communicating. There is judgment. There are different perceptions. There are emotionally triggers that ignite us to react. We either hold back or fight back. As human personalities, it's very difficult to be unconditionally loving and accepting of each other on all fronts.

Claiming our lives as our own happens when we truly get that no one can truly take care of us other than us. It is our job to stay connected to our true nature from which inner confidence arises.  And in that connection to the spaciousness/stillness/peace/infinity that lives inside of us, love is always present. We are full. We stop seeking for more. We feel free to be ourselves and allow others to be themselves.


I accept the responsibility of taking care of myself. I realize that this is my job alone. I am aware of the thoughts and judgments that arise when I want to pass the torch to someone else.  It's a cue for me to connect ever more deeply with my true nature. I take that leap.


© 2009 Jeannie Campanelli, Inner Confidence Coaching. All Rights Reserved.

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Jeannie Campanelli, Ed.D, CPCC, partners with naturally-giving men and women who often put other people’s needs in front of their own. As a consequence, they are not connected to themselves. Jeannie offers a free e-newsletter titled “Notes on Claiming Your Life as Your Ownto support you in feeling the serenity, vitality and wholeness that comes from inner confidence. When you subscribe, you will receive a free guided visualization to support you in this journey home to yourself. Visit