Today I learned about a book, "The Five Dysfunctions of a Team" whose focus is on how to make teams function in healthy ways within corporations. It became very clear to me that the principles that were discussed also apply to our intimate relationships, including our relationship with ourselves. The first foundational dysfunction identified is the Absence of Trust which shows up as invulnerability. Next is Fear of Conflict which is described as artificial harmony. Moving up the ladder, the third dysfunction is Lack of Commitment. The fourth is Avoidance of Accountability which is about the acceptance of low standards. The final dysfunction at the top of the list is Inattention to Results. This is described as staying with your ego and personal status instead of working as a team to accomplish a goal.
What of these dysfunctions apply to you in your own close relationships? How does this model apply to your relationship with yourself? How much of your distrust in others begins with distrusting yourself? What would be different if you allowed yourself to be transparent and vulnerable with your closest circle of support, beginning with yourself?
I have noticed that when I listen with love and compassion to the core part of me, my inner confidence deepens. I see that whatever happens 'out there', I can be counted on to be loving of myself. From this place, I know that conflict is just about two different perspectives. I can listen in a whole new way to another because I know how to be there for myself. Self-commitment is present. My sense of being in integrity according to who I want to be increases. I step out of any need to prove myself or try hard to be good enough for others. Instead of asking, "What's in this for me?", I ask, "How can I contribute?"
Our intention to practise this gentle way of self-dialogue as a jumpstart to a different way of interacting with others needs to be made on a daily basis. Life's challenges can require that from us. It's also important to forgive ourselves on those days when we fall a little short. Human beings are like that, too.
© 2009 Jeannie Campanelli, Inner Confidence Coaching. All Rights Reserved.
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Jeannie Campanelli, Ed.D, CPCC, partners with naturally-giving men and women who often put other people’s needs in front of their own. As a consequence, they are not connected to themselves. Jeannie offers a free e-newsletter titled “Notes on Claiming Your Life as Your Own” to support you in feeling the serenity, vitality and wholeness that comes from inner confidence. When you subscribe, you will receive a free guided visualization to support you in this journey home to yourself. Visit www.innerconfidencecoaching.com.